Saturday, October 22, 2011

The "Real" Rapture 2011, Part Duex (Religion)

No Randy Savage death to save us this time.

Six months ago our favorite crazy old guy, Harold Camping, stated that there was a rapture.  A spiritual one (convenient...) that could not be seen, but felt.  According to Camping, everyone who was chosen in this fashion is getting a free pass to heaven, we (I didn't get a formal invitation, e-mail, or fax, but I'm sure Jesus loves me way more than you so I'm pretty sure I'm in) get to cash these bad boys in on October 21, 2011.  Apparently, Jesus is incapable of judging and maintaining the destruction of the universe in one day so he had to split his work schedule.

Of course, it is past the 21st, my salvation must have been lost or confused with a heathen.  I'm sure everything will be sorted out soon.  But just in case it wasn't...WHAT THE FUCK JESUS?!  I thought we were friends.  I thank god all the time for my blessings.  I thanked him yesterday, when I picked up a rare item in World of Warcraft.  I thanked him last week when I knocked over my beer and still managed to catch it, thus not wasting his glorious bounty.  And I also thanked him when there was a deadly car accident on the other side of the Northern State Parkway so I did not hit traffic on the way home.  Clearly the price for salvation has gone up.

Ohhhh Jesus, you old snake in the grass!!!
Where are the answers, Camping?  Unfortunately, according to Christian "Science" Monitor (not much to monitor there), Camping, along with his Family Talk radio station have refused to talk to the press.  They have just posted on their website that “at this point, looks like it will be the final end of everything.”  Yeah, it didn't happen, thus concludes another fake prediction.  As for everyone who donated anything to Family Radio, I hope it wasn't your life savings.   Last time Camping was asked if he would return the money, according to the New York Times, he said "We're not at the end. Why would I return it?"

I have only counted two predictions of the end of the world form Camping.  This last one doesn't really count because it is a redirection of the one in May.  Maybe, people will start to leave his church after this one.  Our generation may have been to young to remember his first one.  Perhaps he'll have another prediction that will earn national and global attention because of our useless media outlets (though credit where credit is due, there has been less attention directed towards it this time, probably because Camping is hiding from the media right now, rightfully so).  Sometimes three times is a charm, this may be the case when it comes to insane religious beliefs.  Hopefully, the German satellite that supposed to crash down soon doesn't annihilate the entire Earth (then I may be eating my worlds as I kiss my ass good-bye).  

False prophecies, LIKE A BAWS!!!