Monday, November 21, 2011

Pizza (Food)

Now if only cheeseburgers could be
considered dairy.
Finally, no more green peas, broccoli, beans, tomatoes, carrots, celery, and all of those other foods that everyone hates anyway.  Congress really buckled down recently to push out this important legislation to make pizza a vegetable.  Its a good thing that rioting, an unstable economy, and a war that is still going did not impede the ability to work on real issues facing all Americans.

They're both triangles, makes
So why has Congress decided to make pizza a vegetable...the answer is obvious, Obama.  The Obama Administration wanted tomato paste and puree to equally represent the equivalent serving size.  Currently, a serving of vegetables is the size of a full tomato or a full cup of whatever vegetable you wish (two cups in the case of lettuce and such)  However, in the case tomato paste and puree, only an eighth of a cup is the equivalent to a half a severing of vegetables (a full cup of tomato paste and puree is considered a full serving of vegetables).  Essentially, this measurement representing the non-fact that less is more, helps the industries that make the frozen pizza and lunches for schools.  So since Obama's master plan of controlling children's diets has been blocked, the slabs of square pizza that were so delicious in high school can remain a "healthy" part of a balanced lunch.  Apparently, supplying students with a carrot in addition to lunch menu is just too much for "Pizza Fridays."
Only the best for our children.

This is an example of two major problems with Congress.  First, that taxpayers are paying for these sort of decisions.  What a waste.  Second, that Congress also doesn't really care about the health of the young people in this country.  Sure, on a nutritional level an eighth of a cup of tomato paste can be comparable (not the equivalent) to a half a piece of fruit in some areas.  However, you are not getting as full as you would eating the fruit and you are consuming about 33 times more sodium, more than twice as much fat, and almost three times more sugar in doing so.

So with that said, happy eating America.  You can rest assured that whenever you eat a slice of pizza you could now be more guilt free because Congress used money and influence rather than science and facts to tell this country what's healthy and what could be just as good as healthy.  Expect the amount of pepperoni and cheese on a slice of pizza to be proportional to what is expected of dairy and meat intakes during lunchtime.  This way anyone eating frozen pizza for lunch could have the ultimate meal by the meager standards of the US government.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

The "Real" Rapture 2011, Part Duex (Religion)

No Randy Savage death to save us this time.

Six months ago our favorite crazy old guy, Harold Camping, stated that there was a rapture.  A spiritual one (convenient...) that could not be seen, but felt.  According to Camping, everyone who was chosen in this fashion is getting a free pass to heaven, we (I didn't get a formal invitation, e-mail, or fax, but I'm sure Jesus loves me way more than you so I'm pretty sure I'm in) get to cash these bad boys in on October 21, 2011.  Apparently, Jesus is incapable of judging and maintaining the destruction of the universe in one day so he had to split his work schedule.

Of course, it is past the 21st, my salvation must have been lost or confused with a heathen.  I'm sure everything will be sorted out soon.  But just in case it wasn't...WHAT THE FUCK JESUS?!  I thought we were friends.  I thank god all the time for my blessings.  I thanked him yesterday, when I picked up a rare item in World of Warcraft.  I thanked him last week when I knocked over my beer and still managed to catch it, thus not wasting his glorious bounty.  And I also thanked him when there was a deadly car accident on the other side of the Northern State Parkway so I did not hit traffic on the way home.  Clearly the price for salvation has gone up.

Ohhhh Jesus, you old snake in the grass!!!
Where are the answers, Camping?  Unfortunately, according to Christian "Science" Monitor (not much to monitor there), Camping, along with his Family Talk radio station have refused to talk to the press.  They have just posted on their website that “at this point, looks like it will be the final end of everything.”  Yeah, it didn't happen, thus concludes another fake prediction.  As for everyone who donated anything to Family Radio, I hope it wasn't your life savings.   Last time Camping was asked if he would return the money, according to the New York Times, he said "We're not at the end. Why would I return it?"

I have only counted two predictions of the end of the world form Camping.  This last one doesn't really count because it is a redirection of the one in May.  Maybe, people will start to leave his church after this one.  Our generation may have been to young to remember his first one.  Perhaps he'll have another prediction that will earn national and global attention because of our useless media outlets (though credit where credit is due, there has been less attention directed towards it this time, probably because Camping is hiding from the media right now, rightfully so).  Sometimes three times is a charm, this may be the case when it comes to insane religious beliefs.  Hopefully, the German satellite that supposed to crash down soon doesn't annihilate the entire Earth (then I may be eating my worlds as I kiss my ass good-bye).  

False prophecies, LIKE A BAWS!!!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Final Fantasy Tactics (Video Game, PSX, PSP)

The War of the Lions subtitle is from the PSP version.

Final Fantasy Tactics has been in the works to be re-released for the iPhone.  This game, which originally came out in 1997 for the Playstation and then in 2007 for the PSP, was radically different than any of its other Final Fantasy counterparts.  Battles with enemies were much longer and resembled a chess match more than the classic role playing turn based combat system.  The franchise, at the time, was moving into more of a steam-punk era with Final Fantasy 6 and 7, whereas Tactics seemed to revert to a more medieval setting (there is a robot secret character in the game but little is known about it).  Does this 14 year old game still hold up enough to warrant a re-release, or could another leap of faith send it into obscurity?

The story is pretty involved.  The main character, Ramza, born of royalty, starts out as a young man who join the local armed forces under the banner of Prince Larg (the "White Lion").  However, during Larg's fight for power against Prince Goltana (the "Black Lion"), Ramza abandons his royal title and becomes a mercenary.  During his time as a mercenary, he discovers that the Church is behind the "Lion War" between Larg and Goltana, by using magical artifacts called the Zodiac Stones to gain control.  Ramza, with the help of others who join his cause on during his adventure, sets out to collect the stones, overthrow the Churches grasp on the lands, and settle the power struggle for the crown.

A total of 22 jobs in the first remake,  not including
special jobs and enemy jobs.
The epic story line is complemented well with the games tactically style of play.  Long drawn out battles give chance for dialogue to take place, which adds some suspense during game play.  The player controls several combatants during a battle and each can hold a different job, ranging from knight to wizard to bard and many in between.  Each of these jobs add a whole other level of complexity or frustration depending upon your experience and attention to detail when playing the game.  The job system is a lot to take in, but overall, it adds to the games replay-ability since there are so many different jobs to master (and doing so requires a lot of work) that you could easily have a party with an entirely different job composition several times over.

Lovely attack, too bad there is still about forty
minutes of battle left.
The highly strategic and long drawn out battles are also a source of infinite hatred as well.  The average battle in the game lasts about a half an hour.  Take into consideration that back in the Playstation 1 days, games were not automatically saved.  If you had forgetting to save, you could see yourself losing a long battle and then have to replay quite a large portion of the game over again.  When first learning to play this game, this could be unbelievably maddening.  It really separates the big boy gamers from the Farmville gamers.  Another irritant about the combat system is actually hitting your target.  Before you attack there is a numerical percent chance to actually land that attack. This measurement is based on terrain, experience of the character, position, and a lot of other things that are probably technical and boring.  Sometimes you cannot seem to get a hit off with better than a 50/50 chance depending on the composition of your party.  Other times you could have a percentage of 95% and still miss. That usually leads to broken controllers, and in extreme cases (missing at 99% chance to hit), broken televisions too.
Look past the awkward graphics of the late 90s and the cute
cuddly animals and see a great game.

Despite sometimes high collateral damage costs, Final Fantasy Tactics could definitely hold up today.  It is a timeless, classic role playing game of the 90s.  Intriguing story, character development that holds interest, and (when things are going the right way) fun game play make the case that they just do not make games like they used to anymore.  The controls will probably be a bit irritating on the iPhone and the long battles may be asking for a bit much when considering that you are playing a game on your cell phone, but this game is really too good to let it just fade into the past like some many others from that decade.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Weinergate (Political)

The twitt-o-sphere is
a cruel mistress. 
What does it take to be remembered in the demanding, bi-partisan political atmosphere that we live in these days?  It probably takes one to advocate for women's rights, stand up against wars overseas, or perhaps expand healthcare for all Americans.  Well...perhaps not, I haven't heard TMZ report on any of those lately.  Unfortunately, Weiner found out that the only thing he'll be remembered for has a lot to do with his last name.

Anthony Weiner has been involved with sexting and tweeting pictures of his member of Congress to various women.  Who could blame him though?  You can't be a woman's advocate if you're not a fan of the ladies, can you?  At first, Weiner denied all accusations and boldly blamed hackers for the tweets.  He would claim that he doesn't have time to let a minor set back control his political career and that he just wanted to move past the prank.  However, days later more information became apparent which lead to Anthony Weiner's admittance and apology; however, he decided to stay the course and not resign.

Weiner is known for sticking it to the man...and Twitter.
Two things came of over-blown debacle (yeah sure, you could call that innuendo), the first being that Weiner went back on his word and caved into political pressure.  He did, in fact, resign.  What a load of crap.  The man had nothing to be ashamed of.  Its not like he was being creepy, from my understanding the women he sent the pics to didn't object to the attention.  They were his fans.  Weiner turned the political landscape into rock-star-dom and that is what rock-stars do, they become sex symbols.  All joking aside, Weiner did his job well or at the very least more-so than most other members of this countries political atmosphere.  Who cares if he showed off his man parts to willing women?  Then again, haters gunna hate, and other fellow politicians (I'm sure the majority were the oldest and dustiest ones) who hadn't had the chance to have their own scandals yet called for his outing.

This is actually the opening to his first
staring role in a porno.
The other thing that came out of this is a job offer.  Larry Flynt offered Weiner a job in pornography.  This kills two birds with one stone.  First, finally his name could be used where its supposed to be.  To have that name and not work in porn should be a crime.  Second, its a job.  Unfortunately, Weiner has worked in politics for so long he may not be aware that for many Americans, finding a job is actually hard.  To be an average Joe these days means to only earn less than $50,000 dollars a year.  A far cry from making over $150,000 dollars a year.  A gig in porn maybe an offer to keep up his congressman lifestyle.  Plus, he'll actually get to have sex with women (something that he forgot to do during his non-sex scandal).

Congressman Weiner was a decent politician.  So he has marital problems, many people in this country have them.  To make members of the government these moral pedestals is silly to say the least.  We all know right from wrong so as adult we shouldn't need a shining example.  Weiner was active in congress which is a lot more than can be said for many other members of higher office that constantly take vacations, days off, religious holidays, or go on golfing trips.  Members the Executive, Political, and Legislative Branches of government try their best to do as little as possible until something like this arises, that is when they'll finally get off their asses to do what politicians do best, smear and waste time.

Saturday, May 21, 2011

The Rapture 2011 (Religion)

Dramatization...or is it?

So the rapture began May 21, 2011, and it turned out to be a big disappointment for all devout fundamentalist Christians out there.  It did not happen.  I waited outside my house all day with my hands raised for Jesus to take me to better places and wouldn't you know it, nothing happened.  Perhaps I missed it all during my frequent bathroom breaks, I'm sure Jesus would not want me entering heaven with my pants down.  Maybe me cursing his name for not rapturing me soon enough deterred him, who knows?

If at first you don't succeed, keep randomly
How did this happen (or rather, not happen)? Who can I point my finger at? According to the major news outlets that have nothing better to do than report nonsense (FOX, CNN, MSNBC, they all reported on it), we could find that the man responsible for this prediction is none other than resident old fart, Harold Camping.

Harold Camping is a civil engineer turned radio show host, who is mostly known for his first prediction of the world's end in his book, 1994?.  Obviously, his book predicted it in 1994; however, he has stated in the book that he was almost (it only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades) positive.  This time, its the real deal.  Why so sure, you ask?  Simple, like most engineers, he turns to math, and like some fundamentalist Christian engineers, he adds a twist of the Bible in there as well.  This is what he came up with:  first, Christ died 4/1/33.  Second, the time between that day and 4/1/11 is 1,978 years.  Third, that multiplied by the number of days in a year 365.2422 is 722,449.  Fourth, the time between 4/1/11 and 5/21/11 is 51, add that to our last value and we get 722,500.  Lastly, apparently "Heaven," "atonement," and "completeness" have the numeric complements of 17, 5, and 10 respectively.  Now multiply those three numbers and then square the result (randomly, because it makes sense) and you get 722,500, the same result as before!!!  In your face, Pythagoras.
He'll come back when he's ready, and
rapture the living shit out of everyone.

So, what happened?  He used MATH (for Christ's sake) and it was obviously infallible.  Perhaps he should have accounted for the extra days in leap years.  Maybe he forgot that the time in each year changes slightly from year to year, currently about 365.2424.  Unfortunately, only Jesus really knows when the world is going to end so we'll just have to keep guessing until 3% of the world's population randomly disappear one day and the rest of us get to see a great fireworks show...o wait, the Bible says Jesus does not know either.  I'm sure Camping was so busy finding random numbers and performing seemingly random operations on them that he missed Mathew 24:36 where, apparently, Jesus says, "But of that day and hour knoweth no man, no, not the angels of heaven, but my Father only."  Seriously though, who reads the Bible now-a-days (especially if its your life's work), it's like a million pages.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Maple Bacon Sundae (Food)

It almost looks appetizing.

It seems like bacon is everywhere now-a-days.  One of my favorite things to put on sandwiches, wrap scallops in, put in salads, and accompany breakfast, now finds its way into ice cream with Denny's Maple Bacon Sundae.  This concoction is composed of vanilla ice cream, maple syrup, and hickory smoked bacon. mine looked.
How it should look...
As far as presentation goes, I guess that just depends on which Denny's you go to, or how enthusiastic the person waiting on you is.  My sundae (which very much seemed like a Monday), was a bit of a let down when compared to whats on menu and even other pictures posted by people online.  It is supposed to have a layer of syrup, then ice cream, followed by more syrup with bacon, then more ice cream, and finally topped with bacon and drizzled with syrup.  Mine looked like a disaster.  The bacon was all on the top, the syrup was thrown in the sundae all willy-nilly, and the two scoops could not even fill the glass.  It looked as if I was served someone else's leftovers.

The taste was comparable to watching "The Situation" roast Donald Trump. Sure, you would not expect much, but it was still uncomfortable.  When you get a good mix of the three ingredients, the maple syrup completely masks the flavor of the vanilla with an odd consistency because of the bacon bits.  They add a bit of saltiness and it seems like I got them from different batches.  Some of them were crispy and others where mushy; this added an inconsistent texture to my dessert.  I really had to struggle to finish it.

It was just as painful to eat as it is to look at.
A friend of mine had a different opinion of it.  She liked it.  Not only did she say she would order it again, she said she would try to make it at home.  She also suggested that it would be better with chocolate ice cream. Granted, the chocolate ice cream would be a stronger flavor then the vanilla so it would have a greater presence in the sundae overall; however, it is still a Maple Bacon Sundae, and it would still be pretty awful.  I would not recommend this to anyone no matter how great their love for bacon is.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Samuel Adams Imperial Series (Beer)

My favorite brand of beer is Samuel Adams, hands down.  I have tried dozens of different flavors of Sam Adams and only have good things to say about most of them.  This year the Boston based beer company released a series of high test beers which they dub the "Imperial Series."  

Label art complexity is directly proportional to alcohol content.

After trying all four brews, its funny how easily I could place these on a scale of preference.  My favorite one of the four is the "Double Boch."  Wow.  It is surprisingly smooth for a beer with such a high alcohol content.  I hate to use the same words they use on the label without adding anything else to it, but the "Double Boch" really has a pleasant velvety taste.  The next brew in line for preference is the "Wee Heavy."  As described on the bottle you could easily recognize a roasted sort of flavor to it.  I detected a bit of a nutty flavor as well; however, my pallet could be underdeveloped and I may be mistaken.  Its a stronger heavier taste but its still a beer that I could drink all night.

The "Imperial Stout" still has a smooth taste but an odd combination of aftertastes.  The label describes chocolate and coffee; however, I could not really taste any chocolate.  I really do not like coffee, perhaps thats why I really did not enjoy this beer as much as the other two.  Its still a good brew though.  Finally, the "Imperial White" is the strongest of the "Imperial Series."  At 10.3% alcohol, you could taste the fact that it is a high test brew.  I generally tend to really like wheat beers; but. this beer has a spicy aftertaste to it that really kicks in hard.  Although it totes the fanciest of the four labels, I feel that this beer does not deliver.  I probably would not recommend this beer to anyone else, especially if you have the choice of trying any of the other three instead.

In addition to the "Imperial Series," I am also going to share my experience drinking the Samuel Adams "Infinium" Ale.  This beer is only distributed once every one or two years apparently, and only in a limited quantity.  It is a Bavarian style of champaign-like beer that was brewed in collaboration with the Weihenstephan Brewery (the oldest operating brewery in the world, licensed in 1040) in Germany.  In my opinion, "Infinium" a bit more like champaign and not so much like beer.  It is very carbonated, very fruity, and not very hoppy (something I come to expect from Sam Adams).  This is something that would be really cool to toast with at like a wedding or New Years Day.  As for sitting down to spend a night watching your favorite movie or sporting event, I would purchase a different style from the Samuel Adams line. 

A fancy bottle for tastes too fancy for me.